Sunday, January 30, 2011

THE FINAL PITCH ... THE BLINDED GARDENER

I't like to thank everyone for your help on my pitch.

For my British/foreign friends, I understand that you may not know the term "military brat,"(A kid whose parents are in the military and they move around a lot, taking their families with them. The judges and agents in the USA will understand this term; I didn't want to explain something that is general knowledge for us. So, Dom and Madeleine, I hope you understand.

Here is the final rendition. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Have a great Sunday everyone.


Seventeen-year-old military brat, Aidan, is once again on the move, forced to leave Southern California for Beaufort, South Carolina. He counts the days until he turns eighteen and will be free from the cracked ribs, bloody noses, and swollen lips his father inflicts upon him.
Desperate, Aidan seeks out sexual conquests to numb his deep-rooted pain. High schools have become his hunting grounds, the hottest girls, his prey. 
Lost in a corridor on his first day at school, he encounters Danny, a blind student who perplexes and intrigues him by maneuvering the halls with ease. He guides Aidan to his first class, where he’s more interested in sultry Tanya than social studies.
Visions of Danny haunt Aidan throughout the day. As the final bell rings, his stalking begins with an unusual target this time: Danny.
After an accusation of rape by the general’s daughter and a deadly blow out with his father, Aidan comes to the end of his emotional rope. He has only one place to hide: a rundown historic antebellum home owned by Danny.
Screams in the night reveal to Aidan that Danny has demons of his own. Has Aidan traded one psychotic person for another?
A dramatic view of a teenager coping with an unstable alcoholic father is the setting for this edgy Y/A contemporary novel. Anyone who has experienced a similar situation will find a common bond with Aidan and realize they’re not alone. 
At 58000 words THE BLINDED GARDENER features an emotionally scarred boy trying to live another day.
Please scroll down for my two blockfest entries featuring THE BLINDED GARDENER....

11 comments:

  1. ...good morning, Michael. Were I to read that blurb upon the back cover of a novel while carousing the shelves at Barnes, it would find a home next to my recliner:)

    Well done. Danny and Aidan are fantastic character names, just simple enough to harbor intrigue.

    Have a great week,
    EL

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  2. Well done, this looks great!
    I would put a comma after Aidan in the first sentence. And... in the sentence "Has Aidan traded one psychotic person in for another?" I would maybe leave out the "in"..?
    But nothing else other than that :-)
    Great job!

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  3. I'm sold! Wow....you've really done well with this. Thanks for your encouragement on my recent post. I dread the thought of depending on meds, but I will if I have to. You stay healthy and take care of yourself. And good luck!!!

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  4. Well done, Michael. I realize now that Tanya is not the "general's daughter." My editor said, comma's before a name and after if they are in mid-sentence.

    I'm wishing you all the best with this.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, fantasy author

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  5. It sounds like a great story, and it definitely intrigues me as a reader. Well done!

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  6. I'd buy it. Looks good Michael.

    .....dhole

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  7. You know how I feel about it, Michael. A well-crafted piece of prose, certain to tweak the curiosity of most readers. I believe it is a winner.

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  8. Hi Michael. I like the changes. Good luck with the pitch!

    Also CONGRATULATIONS - you are a finalist in the No Fear blogfest. Voting is open until midnight GMT on Sat 6th Feb
    Thanks for taking part!
    :Dom

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  9. Very interesting, Michael! I think it sounds good, moderately hook-ish on the first line, i.e, conflict is introduced--though it's not the main or complete conflict. (More of the conflict is added in the second sentence.)

    I think the word you want in the first paragraph is INFLICT rather than INFLECT, however. Inflect is the stress on a syllable of a word, like in an inflection.

    Also, I'm wondering how important Tanya is to the plot, to have her named in the query/pitch. Is she a key player? If not, that sentence or phrase could be omitted. Overall, this pitch gives a good sense of what the story is about. It perhaps has a few details that aren't necessary and that could be condensed, but maybe the purpose for this contest/entry is diff from a normal query. If the purpose is to be like a brief summary or synopsis, then it works quite well.

    Oh, and "anyone" is singular. In the second to last paragraph you have it paired with "they." Technically, it should be he or she. If that sounds weird, you could change the first part to "Teens/people who have experienced...."

    Good luck! :)

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  10. I really like the revised version. Good job.

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  11. Michael your revised version has teeth. Great entry.

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