This is the first page of my Y/A Contemporary novel THE BLINDED GARDENER. This is the third time I have this up for a contest. It has been through many revisions, but ONE can always improve, right?
I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have. Thanks....
Don't forget to drop by here for the other entries to give your support.
Danny
One moment I’m my Dad’s personal punching bag, and the next, well, I’m a pawn in his maniacal master plan. That is, until Danny discovered my secret.
Once again, I found myself at a new school, the third in two years. It sucked having a dad in the military.
The final bell rang. The halls cleared with the slamming of doors. As I wandered about searching for my classroom, I heard someone approach me from behind. I turned and saw a blonde guy walking up the center of the hallway. He completely ignored me. Long bangs fell over his eyes as he loped past me with a kind of natural ease.
“Hey, dude. Could you tell me how to get to room 305?”
A slight curl formed on his lips as he faced me. He tossed his head. Platinum fringe shifted to the side and revealed freakish blue eyes that glanced toward me, unfocused.
“I’m heading that way.” His deep voice held a trace of a southern accent. He turned and continued his long strides.
I envied his height: well over six feet and me just an average dude.
“You better move. Conners loses it when you’re late.”
I rushed to catch up to him. His hand overshot the rickety metal banister. On the second swipe, he made contact and climbed the stairs.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
He never turned back, not even when he spoke.
“Aidan,” I said, as I caught up to him at the top of the stairs.
3 comments:
Jeeeeez, Michael, font is so small my old eyes are having trouble. Okay, no more grumbling. :)
The first line intrigued me, but the rest was kind of normal new-kid-on-first-day stuff--predictable. Is the blond god Danny?
dialogue is very real, but the first line sounds out of place one you move to the second. Depends how it is set up
Hey, Michael, meant to get to this yesterday but it was one of those impossible Saturdays. Anyway, I still love the observations of the protag and have a visceral sense of his need to belong and his interest in the blond kid. Also like the sense that the blond kid is not on the straight-and-narrow (unfocused eyes, hand overshooting handrail). I would either move your first sentence to a later spot where it flows with the story,or follow it immediately with a sentence that connects its content to what comes next. It seems to be a summary sentence to give us a sense of Danny's troubles and inner life, but we need at least a thread, immediately, of how that relates to what's going on in the school hallway. Nice sensory feel to the lines you've written.
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