The talented and oh so sweet blogger Rachel Morgan and her friend Cally Jackson are hosting a Power of Tension Blogfest. Hop over to either ladies' blogs for full details. You have until May 27th to post. I just learned about this blogfest and Rachel is sure to convince you to enter. I did.
I chose an excerpt from my short story THROUGH SHADES OF GRAY. I hope you all enjoy it.
I chose an excerpt from my short story THROUGH SHADES OF GRAY. I hope you all enjoy it.
Gabrielle’s place is on the next block. Taking the left turn, I drive down the cul-de-sac and see the four-story townhouse on the right. Her unit is the one on the left. I rev the engine and sail up the paved drive. Not too shabby. I guess she hasn’t lost it completely. A crisp breeze, white sand, and azure water greet me as I step out of the car.
I pop the trunk, strap my laptop across my back, and grab my gear. Crushed in my left hand is the printout with the entry security code. I punch in the number and the door clicks open. I step in, drop my gear, and look around. Gabrielle never described the place to me, so I didn’t know what to expect.
The inside is vast and uncomplicated. Almost sterile. It didn’t look like it was ever lived in. Only the soft pink hue in the pale beige walls gives a hint of warmth. I follow the flow, and stop as my breath escapes, paralyzing me. My eyes lock onto a pair of eyes that rip through my soul. I gasp for breath. My chest heaves, as beads of sweat dampen my hair. I’m unable to turn away. Forcing myself to inhale, I tear myself away from those haunting eyes and stumble into the kitchen to splash cold water onto my face.
Why did that photograph affect me that way? I don’t understand. As my eyes focus, I discover no other pictures hung on the walls. Only one: that photograph over the mantle in the living room. This shocks me almost as much as the picture does. The most talented fashion photographers in the world captured Gabrielle in film. Why would she only hang one enormous photograph of herself? And why that particular one?
I hope this grabbed your attention, begging for more. The entry must leave some unanswered questions. Do you think this has enough tension? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
This is an original photo by me. Please don't reproduce.
30 comments:
Oh I love this Michael and yes I do want to read more. The picture is beautiful as well :) I have also joined this blogfest. It should be fun to read the other entries.
Wonderful tension scene, Michael. I'm full of questions, like who is Gabrielle and why is this man at her home and why isn't she there? Also, where is she? Obviously, he was sent there by her and his thoughts that she hasn't lost it completely leads me to believe she may be old. Plus what is he looking for and why did her eyes in the photo haunt him so? Such Mysteries! I'd definitely keep reading on. :D
Ooh, I'm thinking all sorts of things. Hmm...would love to know more. :)
Oh, very nice! :) I'm definitely raising my hand for the "Who Wants More" question!
Well done!
Grace
I want more too! this was great - a whole load of questions and two characters I want to get to know...
fab piece Michael :)
Those eyes in your photograph certainly hit me like magnets. Great job as always. I hope Blogger lets me comment. It doesn't want to let me sign in, rats -- Roland
Wow! That is completely tense, and I want to figure out the mystery behind the photograph!
Great excerpt and beautiful photography! As usual I love to visit your blog.
You did a great job creating both tension and conflict. I love the unanswered questions that leave me wanting more.
Edge of Your Seat Romance
Love the photo and yes I'm very curious about Gabrielle now.
Great job creating a blank slate and then filling the entire space with nothing but a picture! Definitely experienced the mental warp here--and yes, I'm curious.
ooo, intriguing! Why indeed? And why that one??? Inquiring minds MUST KNOW! :D Thanks, M~
This is a great job, Michael. I am hoping like Roland that this actually gets through. I have been bounced by Blogger all day, unable to leave comments most places I go.
I love that the tension completely depends on mystery and inner turmoil. I think the picture's enough.
I so want more! :) Great job, Michael.
This definitely grabbed me, Michael! I liked the question at the end - it kept me wanting more for sure!
Intriguing. Good job.
-Vicki
Oh yes, it leaves me wanting more :) Excellent questions at the end. The beginning makes me wonder who he is, and what he's doing there, exactly.
Nice.
......dhole
Great piece, Michael. Slow build tension with lots of questions lingering at the end. I definitely want to know their story.
Seems like an easy question to me: Gabrielle's got an ego that barely fits in the house. Which probably explains the panic attack, too.
Good description of coming into the house -- and a good way to describe Gabrielle in one tidy moment. Maybe if I knew why the narrator was coming to the house, I'd worry about how crazy Gabrielle is.
It certainly raises some interesting questions. Intriguing short story. Just a tiny typo in the first paragraph: "Not to shabby?" should be 'too'. Also, I wonder if "Not too shabby" and "I guess she hasn't lost it completely" need question marks?
Well that certainly grabbed me, sunk it's hooks in, and won't let me go. Intriguing and full of tension. I want to read more of this story.
Power Of Tension Blogfest
Also hooked me. It was the photograph - the fact that there's just this one giant photo hanging there. That's odd for anyone, let alone the character you describe...Definitely makes the reader want to know more.
Michael, I definitely want more. OMG, I thought the eyes he locked with was a dead body! You got the tension part down. Great job:)
Very nice. I am left totally hanging wanting to know more about the photo and this Gabrielle. And why the MC is in this place.
Loved the description of the character's reaction to the photograph. I want to know more about who this Gabrielle is, the significance of the photo, etc. Great job!!
I only have one point of critique - third and fourth sentences in 2nd last para are past tense, should be present?
Hmm, I’m intrigued! What’s going on between Gabrielle and your MC? Aside from the bit that slipped into past tense, I like the way this is written.
Thanks for entering :-)
Definitely wanting to know more. Great job!
I was wondering at first what was going on, and I have to say I loved that it was a photograph that brought such a rush of emotion to him. Definitely want to know what's going on there!
Ooh, very intriguing! Now that he's had such a visceral reaction to the photograph, I'm wondering where Gabrielle is and whether something has happened to her!
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